Like many of my fellow citizens, I have been searching about to find purchase as I study my responses to the outcomes of the national election, both immediate and anticipated. Because my primary developmental focus is spiritual self-actualization, I have been searching and researching my options, the path ahead, and the practices implicit in my intention. There are somewhat “standard” dictums: acceptance, compassion, surrender, reflection…
I keep reacting: none of these, as framed, moves me forward. I wanted some specific action or behavior that would not only grapple with the challenge of a “new nation” but also inject into those spaces and places alternatives that were positive, life affirming, caring and healing. I pondered almost obsessively; leaving the country was not on my option list.
This good faith effort concluded with a very specific practice that I am enjoying, and that meets my criteria. I call it “Small Gratitudes”: gestures that express gratitude not for large and extraordinary things but for the smallest of small things that tend to go unnoticed. Every day I (and nearly everyone else) encounter people who do something helpful, provide information, are gracious or engaging, answer a question that needed a good answer, create a moment of joy, set something aright….see, “small” things.
We may say thanks but it is often formulaic and reflexive. The other person rarely feels sincere “gratitude” because it is a courtesy, not a gesture of appreciation or recognition. These sterile exchanges shape most of our face-to-face encounters. With the dominance of social media, the face-to-face or person-to-person “live” exchange has disproportionate potential, since it is rare. It is my sense that the formulaic behavior we show mimics the often hollow and empty communication that shapes social media, including the bizarre realization that anonymity was and is the first decision.
So I started my practice of “Small Gratitudes” laser focused on noticing when another person did something that was genuinely helpful or useful to me, studying the helpfulness, and then taking the time to tell them of my gratitude and my reason for it. I do this both face-to-face and, on the phone, and keep alert for any chance to practice. I try to state simply what I found helpful or of value, how much this meant to me, and then simply say “Thank you!” My life is far simpler than most persons, yet I find an amazing number of opportunities to do this practice.
Before I started writing this blog post, I often found myself pondering the fact that doing this seems self-evident and is not such a big deal. Practicing it has convinced me otherwise. The most common response I evoke from others is startle, a sense of surprise and then self-consciousness. Everyone who has made it possible for me to engage in my practice has appreciated it. Everyone has thanked me for noticing what they did. Everyone seemed moved.
Often conversations then emerge, where the person who evoked my gratitude shares their experiences of not being noticed or valued, of having deep investment in doing a good job but feeing surprised that someone like me would comment on it, of being encouraged by our conversation. The outcome is consistently a certain quiet peace and joy, for both of us.
This of course has strengthened my investment in this practice. It turns out we humans are ignoring many gifts given or taking them for granted. Examples here may help. Because I am 81 years old, a disproportionate amount of my time and energy involves various employees of the health care system. Hence my earliest efforts focused on people helping me to make health care appointments. The amazing person who could break from script and simply be a human earned my admiration, and my gratitude. The first few times I started noticing the startle effect, and then some people actually said things like “No one has ever noticed that about me before!” and “I try really hard to be kind to our patients but I am not sure anyone notices”.
These early experiences actually surprised me. Slowly I have become accustomed to the fact that people, simply acknowledged for doing a good job, are often moved, often tear up. It says something about our culture that this is such an unusual event. The place where I buy groceries has a new check-out clerk, a young man who looks frustrated and uncomfortable, yet does a good job. He avoids eye contact with all customers while diligently doing this good job. I of course find many reasons for “Small Gratitudes” with him, and after 5 or 6 “no eye contact” experiences, he looked at me directly, real human eye contact, and nodded. The look was one of appreciation! Made my day!
Of course, there are those who do not evoke this “Small Gratitude” practice. I actually find that I don’t really pay attention to that fact because my focus is on looking for places where I can practice “Small Gratitudes”. It is actually fun, sometimes entertaining, and gives me a chance to use the creative aspects of my sense of humor. One way I do that is point out all the deterrents that could prevent the action that they have taken that evoked my gratitude.
As is obvious, I decided to post this blog on my practice. I am not exactly selling it, but do think it is an alternative to being sucked into the array of negative vortexes that feel like the abiding presence of Scylla and Charybdis in your living room. I found myself self-conscious about telling others about this practice, since, as I noted earlier, to me it seems self-evident. I then pondered the challenges that are unfolding, both collectively and individually, and decided that this “risk” didn’t warrant much consideration.
All who embrace hope and possibility, all who bring and sustain positive waves of energy on our planet, all these humans need to find as many practices as possible and share them with others. There is still a community, of which I am a member, that finds light more compelling than darkness. A little time spent with “Small Gratitudes” makes that light brighter and more visible to others.
“Gratitude is a divine emotion: it fills the heart, but not to bursting; it warms it, but not to fever.”
- Charlotte Bronte -
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